An Open Letter to My Generation

           I was recently talking to a friend about weekend plans and how I had made commitments to do things with several of my “adult” friends. Mid-conversation, she looked at me and said “you know, I’m really kind of jealous of how many older women have taken you into their lives.” It got me thinking: why is it that I end up with so many friends of an older generation? There’s the obvious explanation – I was raised around everyone from babies to the elderly instead of spending over half my day almost exclusively with people my own age. But, more importantly, I was taught to interact with them appropriately and expected to do so.  I don’t think many of us now in our older teen to young adult years had this kind of education. So, in an effort to possibly correct this at least a little, I’m sharing some ideas about appropriate and inappropriate behaviours and, hopefully, how to end up with friends from an older, more experienced generation[1]. Because living on your own and not having to answer to your parents’ wishes and rules anymore doesn’t mean that you don’t have a responsibility to be a pleasant, enjoyable person for their generation to be around. And honestly, you’re missing out if you don’t take the time to forge friendships with people outside of your own age group.

Be Polite. Being over 18 does not give you the right to suddenly declare yourself an equal with anyone you may meet. Phrases like “yes ma’am,” “no sir,” “please,” “thank you” and “may I” still have an important place in your vocabulary. This will honestly never change. No matter how old you are or what positions or titles you hold, saying things like these is important. It has nothing to do with kow-towing to age or being subservient. It has to do with acknowledging another human being as a person with feelings. I “ma’am” seven year olds, not because I consider them “my elders and betters” but because they are humans and it’s nice. I’m not saying that everything out of your mouth should be preceded or followed by a “sir” or “ma’am” but if nothing ever is, I would urge you to examine your motives for refusing to do so.

           While we’re on the subject, use the proper titles. Unless they have specifically asked you do to otherwise, anyone above the age of about 40 should still get a “Miss,” “Mrs.,” or “Mr.” in front of their name. It is proper and polite, and I don’t care how much you disagree with this or how much you think it undermines your adulthood – do it. It irks me to no end when I hear otherwise sensible people my age refer to my godparents or other more mature friends by their first names – and I will continue to call them out on it every time. It. Is. Not. Ok.

Be Proactive. Do you think older people just come to me and say “please, you’re so wonderful, be my friend”? Heck no. I sought them out. I took advantage of their presence at social situations to get to know them. I offer to hold their babies while they fix their plates at potlucks, I volunteer to help the organizers of things like church dinners clean up afterwards, I go out of my way to make sure to greet them at group events, I sit up front on the transit so that I can chat with the bus driver[4]. And I don’t do this because I’m “networking” – that’s a horrible, self-serving way to look at all of your social interactions. I do it because I want to and because I would feel thoughtless, lazy and rude if I did not behave like this in social situations.

           But, if you really want friends from our parents’ and older generations, it takes more than just being nice in social situations. That may open a door for you, but you still have to walk through it. Let me tell you something, these folks know shit. Ask them for their advice, ask them for recipes, ask if you can just come talk to them sometime. You are not a shining beacon of glory that everyone is automatically dying to be around; if you want their time and attention you must give them yours.

Be Considerate. This is the flip side of my last point. Understand that people lead busy lives. They have houses, jobs, families, and other responsibilities to tend to. So, be considerate of that fact. Don’t show up to their houses uninvited, don’t pester, beg, and demand that they make time for you, and don’t act like they have an obligation to include you in their lives. They don’t. If they do take time out of their schedule to be with you, show a little gratitude. And if they tell you they’re too busy right now, accept that they more than likely actually are busy. It does not mean they don’t love you, or even that they don’t want to see you – it just means they have a life. They are not your parents, you have no claim upon their time and resources, it is not their responsibility to “be there” for you. It’s ok to ask them to include you as a friend, but understand that it is their choice whether or not they do that.

Learn to Listen. Many of our parents were raised with the mantra “children should be seen and not heard.” Justifiably, they hated it and swore to be more understanding and respectful of their own children (i.e., us) and that’s great. But sometimes, they went too far on the other end of the pendulum swing. This has left our generation as a whole with the belief that the purpose of communication is for people to listen to us. It’s not. Communication is about understanding another human being and their point of view. You know who cares about the minutia of your daily life and every childhood story you remember? You. Not friends your own age and certainly not friends who have more life experience and way more interesting stories to tell. It’s nice to share our stories and thoughts, but learn when to shut the hell up as well. If all you’re going to do is yammer on about your feelings on a subject, you might as well stay home and talk to the mirror or a tape recorder. Included under this is “don’t interrupt or talk over people.” It happens during the normal course of conversation sometimes, but try to avoid it, and if you do realize you accidentally did it, apologize and let the other person finish their thought. Again, this is not so much a “dealing with older folks” thing as a “how to not be odious to everyone you meet”[2] thing.

Be Respectful. This is a different thing than being polite, which we discussed above. Let me give you an example. I am pagan, I am thoroughly and openly so. It is not something I hide or something that is open to discussion and input from others. I also have a bit of a potty mouth – and I don’t see that as a bad thing. However, I know that my godparents have issues with both of these things. So, when I go over to see them, do you know what I do? I tuck my pentacle necklace into my shirt, I make sure that what I’m wearing isn’t openly flaunting pentacles or the like, and I watch my language when I’m in their presence. It’s not that they don’t know I have, wear, and say those things, it’s that I’m at their house and therefore respect their feelings enough to leave it alone. If they came to my house, I wouldn’t take my altar down or hide any of the magic things that are scattered throughout my home, but I’m not going to impose those things on them in their home. Don’t get so caught up in “being yourself” or “self expression” that you neglect other people’s feelings. I’m not saying don’t be who you are; I’m saying don’t make a big deal out of it and don’t force who you are on other people[3]. This goes for everyone around you, but doubly so for those who have a bit more right to be set in their ways.

Don’t Make Assumptions. Once again, this is one of those “how to be a decent person” things, but being a decent person contributes to friendships with those experienced enough to know better than to waste their time with self-centered children. Don’t assume things, and don’t overstep your boundaries.       If you’re invited over, it doesn’t mean that you can just show up with your friends, pets, or whoever you currently happen to be infatuated with. If you really feel that you must bring someone from the above categories, at least have the decency to ask if it’s ok first. Especially if the invitation is to dinner – just because someone wants to cook for you doesn’t mean they want to cook for whoever you may drag with you.

          Don’t assume that it’s ok to “drop by” unexpectedly – not even if you “just want to bring a gift.” If that’s truly what you want and the item is perishable or time sensitive, call ahead, make sure it’s a good time, drop the item off, then leave. Otherwise, just wait until the next time you plan to see the person anyway. Insisting that someone make time for you to bring them something, especially if you expect that time to include talking and hanging out, is nothing more than trying to bribe them into tolerating your presence with an entry fee. That’s not being nice, that’s being passively-aggressively demanding.

          Don’t assume that someone is “free” just because you know they’re not at work. And don’t assume that if they are free they want to see you. Sometimes, all of us just want to sit in our house and not see other people – even ones we love. Respect that desire.

           In today’s world of cellphones and constant communication, there is no excuse for “just dropping by.” Call or text ahead; it’s only polite.

           I would like to see our generation not be known for its inability to grow up and function in an adult society. But we have to work to make that happen. We are the turning point – if we don’t learn how to handle ourselves, how can we ever expect the generation below us to do so? Maybe many of us born in the 80s and 90s were subjected to a lot of what could be called “experimental parenting.” Well guys, I hate to say it, but a lot of those experiments were less than successful. I’m not saying the old fashioned way was perfect or that we should entirely go back to it, but manners, common sense, and decency need to make a comeback. Let’s make that happen.

[1]This in no way should be taken as saying the friend I was talking to does or does not do any of these things, I honestly haven’t seen her outside of a college-aged group enough to have an opinion on that matter.

[2] 99% of the people I know who complain about their lack of friends willing to hang out with them suffer from an inability to grasp this concept. No one likes being talked over, and no one likes to have stories – especially not stories they’ve already heard – shoved down their ear canals.

[3] Another area I often see this one violated is the playing of music. The world is not your personal music studio – unless you are in your own home or all by yourself, either find something everyone is happy listening to or don’t play music.

[4] Seriously, those old men and women have awesome stories – many of them are even war veterans. If you ever ride the Tiger Transit, try it sometime. You may be surprised at how lovely your conversations with them can be.