Christmas is Not a Weapon

     "Merry Christmas!" The middle-aged man shouted at me as he walked past. I was on my way into Hobby Lobby to grab a few crafting supplies to make Christmas and Yule gifts. At first, I was confused by the vehemence and ire in his voice. Sure, I had almost cut him and his wife off as I got out of the car (I didn't see them coming up) but apologies had been said, smiles exchanged, and we had all moved on our merry ways. Until that shout back over his shoulder thrown back in defiance and outright hatred. What had I done to deserve this? Then I realized - my tiny silver pentacle was hanging on the outside of my shirt, where he doubtless would have seen it when we almost bumped into each other. It apparently took him a minute to realize what it meant, and that I was probably the type of person who recognizes more than one holiday during this season. Thus, he threw his "Merry Christmas" at me like the curses his conservative soul wanted to utter.
     Last year, I worked in a drive-thru for a blatantly conservative Christian company. It being the holiday season, we usually offered seasonal salutations to our customers as they completed their business with us and drove away. I found that it did not matter what I said, someone was going to be offended. If I said "Happy Holidays" I would almost invariably have "Merry Christmas" thrown back in my face, accompanied by a scowl. But, even in the midst of the Bible-Belt, saying "Merry Christmas" also earned me glares from people who stuck their noses in the air and, with all the confidence that comes from knowing that you are morally superior and far more culturally understanding than the plebe you are speaking to, corrected me with "Happy Holidays." After the 10th or 11th experience like this, I gave up and just told people to have a lovely day. At least that's not considered offensive - yet.
     People, there are 7 holidays between October 31st and January 1st - and that's not even getting into really obscure stuff like Garifuna Settlement Day or Saturnalia. Some people celebrate all of these, some celebrate some and not others, some don't celebrate at all. Regardless of what you celebrate, if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, Happy Halloween, Blessed Yule, Happy Hannukkah, or Joyous Day of The Deity-They-Just-Made-Up, they are expressing a friendly sentiment. They are saying "I am happy this day because _________; may you also be happy." Why can't we just take it as such?
     Now, if I know you celebrate Christmas, I'll tell you "Merry Christmas," if I know you prefer Yule, or are Jewish, I'll substitute those holidays for my seasonal greeting. Why? Because I'm not saying it for me. But sometimes, if you're a stranger in the street or someone of similar ilk, I may not know what holiday(s) you hold dear. So, I default to things like "Happy Holidays" (a pleasant catch-all for everything you may or may not celebrate at this time of year) or "Merry Christmas" (which is, after all, the dominant holiday in this portion of the world.) You know what? No matter what I say, it doesn't mean that I am assaulting whatever traditions you love. I'm merely trying to be nice.
     Seasonal greetings are a way of saying "I acknowledge you as a person, and I hope you are happy and blessed." As a society, we've managed to turn them into weapons to hurl at those who we perceive to be our enemies - "the Liberal Left," "those close-minded conservatives," "non-Christians," "backwards rednecks." Can't we just use and accept salutations in whatever form they may come as the friendly greetings they were intended to be? There is no "War on Christmas" or culturally imperialistic hidden agenda. These things we say to each other are not weapons. It's just people, wishing other people well.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day! Or, Why Easter is the Most Terrifying Holiday

My friends and I are always preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. Whether we are plotting who will be in charge of acquiring which supplies, or arguing over who should be in our survival team (one must possess demonstrably useful skills, be easy to put up with for the rest of our lives, and pass one easy test), it is always at least at the back of our minds. But I realized yesterday that we have overlooked a potential zombie scenario - and we all know that overlooking such scenarios is what gets people killed. So, below are the 5 reasons Easter is terrifying.

1. Jesus rose from the grave. And what do we call someone who is buried and manages to claw their way out of what is supposed to be their final resting place? That's right, a zombie.

2. He brought other dead people with him. Matthew 27:52-53 "The tombs were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the tombs after His resurrection they entered the holy city and appeared to many." In other words, the death and resurrection of Jesus unleashed a plague of zombies on Jerusalem.

3. Even that wasn't the first time Jesus had caused zombies. Ever hear of Lazarus? Yeah, he'd been dead 4 days before Jesus turned him into a zombie.

4. It's in the Old Testament too. Ezekiel 37:14 "Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them." Wait, you mean that zombification has been the plan all along? Sounds like it to me.

5. He's planning on coming back and making MORE zombies. Check out 1Thessalonians 4:16 "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." That's right kiddos, Jesus is planning on coming back - and he's bringing zombies! 

So, next time someone says "Happy Easter" to you, just remember that they're really wishing you a happy zombie apocalypse.